Cross-posted from: Sisters of Resistance
Under patriarchy, expectations of monogamy and compulsory heterosexuality mean women are conditioned from childhood to be on the lookout (or compulsively searching) for “the one,” her “soulmate,” or Mr. Right. This is a fantasy induced by a combination of Disney princesses, white dresses and storybook weddings, as well as social and cultural influences, public discourse, mass media and celebrity culture. What this means is that many of us are so eager to get married, and so conditioned to be the damsel in distress or unconditionally self-sacrificing for “love,” we often overlook some basic things that illustrate how, far from being a prince or knight come to rescue you, your intimate partner may be in fact dangerous to your sense of self, your individual identity and your independent thought. You do not need rescuing, and no one should make you feel that you do. If any man in your life exhibits the below behaviours, he is at worst an abuser or at best an emotional/financial drain; you are better off without him. In particular, don’t marry him. He is so not worth it. See also: How to Leave a Bad Relationship.
“It will be a different life
We can salvage what we will
But a lot is lost for sure.”
Dear Mother,
If you will blame the man who molested me
for my queer sexuality
you might as well just
blame the patriarchy.
Blame my father for the nights
he didn’t come home to you,
and I learned what love meant
falling asleep next to your sweet breath.
Blame your father
for his strictness and harshness
that he passed on to you
in the form of a hard line
on my spirit of dissent
Blame your second husband
for his depression, and sex addiction,
that caused another marriage to collapse
before my eyes.
Blame the Catholic Church
for covering up its scandals
and failing my tests of faith.
Blame the boys who touched
my private parts in public,
the ones who spent my money
freely while they told me
that they loved me,
the ones who scared me, scarred me,
raised their voices to call me ugly names,
took advantage if I ever shed my inhibitions,
made fun of me or refused to listen
when I spoke my mind.
Blame the ones who left me lonely
and the ones who never called back.
Blame the young man
who raped me because I dared
show up in his dorm room
when invited.
Blame the men who fought me
till I bit my tongue,
who taught me with their words
and actions that they could never
love me like you did.
Blame them, and then
tell me
if it makes
any
difference.
- bell hooks